4th Rung on the Ladder

It is spring and home-improvement time right? Last year I purchased a rain barrel with the hope of catching some of that wonderful soft water that always drowned the planter containing my special begonias whenever it rained. Did not do much with than rain barrel last year - ha - need an eaves trough and downspout to capture that soft water! Well - rain in the forecast for this coming week, so this weekend I decided to put up an eaves trough and downspout. How hard can that be? First I need materials, so must make measurements. Took my tape measure out to make those measurements. Was having a little difficulty keeping the end of the measuring tape attached to point "A" so that I could stretch it to point "b" when the neighbor came out to offer his assistance. Jokingly he said "women are so helpless....". Well..............determination took root! I got the measurements that I needed, and with a little direction from cousin Bob, I headed off to Home Depot, confident that I would find a helpful sales person who could direct me further. Home Depot has always been a little intimidating to me. In my mind, one should have a little wisdom about what they are trying to purchase...... After a little searching, I found the isle that I needed to be in, and after even more searching, I found an 'associate' who could perhaps help me. Choices - Metal or Vinyl? Well Vinyl of course!!! It will be easier to cut than metal - and no sharp edges to cut yourself on! Vinyl it is - comes in 10 ft lengths - no they will not cut it for you. No problem I have a saw at home. Gotta get clips, ends for the trough, the down pipe (also in 10 ft length) and ELBOWS and of course some screws. Much deliberation, (not much help from the 12 year old sales 'associate' with the runny nose) I am now ready to make my purchase with the promise of help out to the car. FINALLY got those 10 ft lengths of vinyl into the car - little help from the 12-year old with the runny nose! I am off - making sure to take the side roads where I did not have to look out the passenger side of the car for intersection clearance! MADE IT HOME SAFELY! Let's get this job done - shouldn't take more than an hour and then I can get some planting done..... Tool box at the ready, materials organized, proper clothing, THE STEP LADDER - ready to go. First - much attach the clips to the boards (soffit I think it is callsd). NO PROBLEM - EXCEPT - this calls for the 4th rung on the step ladder! Third one okay - 4th one a challenge. Took awhile - yes got onto that 4th rung! Gotta get a ittle more secure on that 4th rung - so up and down and up and down until I feel more confident. Yup you got it - but already bones hurt! Time passes.... Well got the clips screwed into the soffit - (knees shaking all the time - on the 4th rung on the ladder). Ha - the worst is over - downhill from here in! NOT!!!! With this vinyl stuff - one cannot just clip the eaves on - no - one must thread the eaves trough the tiny spaces on the clips that you have already screwed into the soffit!!!!! The wind is now blowing. I get this 10 ft length of vinyl lined up to the first clip (WHILE IN THE 4TH RUNG OF THE LADDER). I cannot see just exactly where I need to go with this thing - perhaps luck will be on my side. NOT!!! Wind catches the thing - down it goes onto the patio. A patient person I am (sometimes). MANY attempts later, the air is starting to turn blue, and I was tempted to scrap the whole project. WAIT! "Would you like some help?" A savior! A new neighbour who does this sort of thing for a living! (OHMIGOD) How long was he watching? My savior arrived - and not FIVE MINUTES later he had that trough threaded through the clips. AWESOME! Downhill from here on in! NOT!!!! Easy to mount the down pipe! Not so easy to get the ELBOWS to connect the trough with the downpipe. 2 MORE TRIPS TO HOME DEPOT - and the runny nosed 'associate' - geeze I thought perhaps he might have taken sick leave or something - couldn't there be SOMEONE who knows SOMETHING???? Take those silly elbows I got the first time and let's get it on with flexi elbows. 3/4 of an hour on that 4TH RUNG ON THE LADDER getting ELBOWS to match! SUCCESS!!!!!TROUGH, PIPES AND ELBOWS ARE CONNECTED!!!!! AND THEY ARE STAYING IN PLACE!!!!! Now time to test it. Will water actually run off the roof, go into the trough, through the ELBOWS, down the down pipe, through more ELBOWS, and into the rain barrel????? (This 1-hour project has thus far taken 5 hours!) I turned the water on from the main outside source (I did all these hose connection stuff weeks earlier - thought I had all the leaky things fixed) NOT!!!!! Attached the spray nozzle thingy to the end of the hoze, held my arm way up high, pushed the lever. CRAP!!!! The hose end thing leaks, and I have very cold water running down my arm into my armpits and down my side! AND I smell cigarette smoke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (likely the neighbors watching the drama and having a great laugh) Time to get this job done, get inside, have a beer, supper and end the day! Fixed the leaky hose connection. Sprayed the water on the roof, and anxiously awaited the outcome. CRAP!!!! The water is running down the OUTSIDE OF THE DOWN PIPE! Yes, I discovered what I had done wrong, fixed it the next day. THIS MORNING!!!! 4:00 AM I hear the rain coming down! OMIG - gotta see IF MY RAIN BARREL IS FILLING!!! Ha - I actually waited until 5:15 before I jumped out of bed, put on my raincoat (on top my of nightgown) to find out if that soft water was actually going into my rain barrel! IT WAS!!!!! Yes it was a comedy, but perhaps somewhere there might be a life lesson. Perhaps it might be patience. Perhaps it might be acceptance. Perhaps it might be greatfullness. Perhaps it might be pride. Would love to hear what you might have gleaned from my perception of this experiance and wish to share.

Heavier strings on my guitar!

A couple of weeks ago I put heavier strings on one of my guitars - yearning for a deeper 'boom-chang' sound. It was a wise decision - although at the time I did not anticipate what those heavier strings would actually do for me. In fact - while they have given me the deeper 'boom-chang' sound, they have frustrated me beyond sanity! Much more difficult to play! All those chords that I thought I was getting pretty good at are not so easy to play now. HOWEVER - those heavier strings have given me the option to really really 'twang' away without actually breaking the strings! A wonderful method by which to set free the frustrations of the 'daily grind' and to transfer the built up emotion to something positive - MUSIC (well sort of music.....) During the last few days, I have been soooo tempted to back-slide and buy a package of cigarettes! Instead, I followed through with my original plan - which was to switch from the 4 mg lozenges to the 2 mg lozenges. (Actually, I have done this sooner that I planned, because the 4 mg were starting to give me the hiccups - and there is the continuing issue of the throat tickle! VERY ANNOYING - and often embarrassing! I am sure that this is caused by the lozenges..... On a previous post, I expressed concern about becomming a little 'pudgy' - which I am. However, I have decided to let go of that concern (for now). One thing at a time...make sure the nicodemon is dead first. The rest - well another time and another place.

Second Hand

So strange it is.... When I first began this journey, I found that the smell of cigarette smoke actually made me feel ill. Now, however, I have discovered that the odor of tobacco smoke is very very pleasant to me - especially if I catch the scent while I am outside. I continue to be super-sensitive to the odor - I think I could smell a burning cigarette from a mile away - but now it is a pleasant thing - while just a few short weeks ago it was almost painful. Perhaps this is a good thing???? Or perhaps this is bad thing??? I don't know - but thus far that pleasant odor has not tempted me.... So far during this journey I have not been in a room with smokers (thankfully). I am sure that it would not be a pleasant time.... However, that outside thing - the faint scent of tobacco leaves smouldering caught by the wind currents. Could it be so bad that it smells good to me? Could it be so different than the fragrance of the Cypress Hills in the early spring, newly mown grass, fresh baked bread, freshly brewed coffee.... Perhaps, it stirs a memory of pleasant times leisurely enjoying a smoke while camping, fishing, or just out on the deck with friends and neighbors.. Perhaps it is a connection thing...you know how certain music will remind you of a pleasant time in your life? Well perhaps the smell of tobacco sort of rekindles a memory of 'calm'???? How's that for a amateur analysis of one's own thought processes?

Spring has sprung for 'Pudge'!

It is FINALLY spring! A time for new beginnings! I am a little late getting out into the yard to do clean-up, planning new plantings, moving perennials, and perhaps thinking up something new and exciting to work on this spring and summer. For some reason, I have had a little trouble 'getting into the mood'. Aside from the fact that the weather has been somewhat spotty, there has been much going on to distract me - and that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it...... My biggest (and most honest) excuse is that I have been lacking energy and motivation! 'The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak....' Well, now I think I am motivated, but the 'flesh is still weak'. (tee hee) I have decided to get my driveway resurfaced. Sounds simple enough. NOT!!!! Must prepare the area! This means removing cement blocks that I put down many years ago to simulate a sidewalk. It means moving all the brick that I placed at the end of the driveway as a 'decorative' thing. It means trimming back a Calgary Carpet Juniper that has encroached the driveway - 3 feet in places. In spots the Juniper has taken root and broken up the existing pavement! (I understand now why Frank complained about how narrow my driveway was!) The beautiful Grape Hyacinths that have spread from the flower bed beside the driveway into the bit of soil between old pavement and the flower bed - must be taken out. A wild Strawberry that has served as a great ground cover over the years - cut back and tamed. This whole process - well a little painful. I truly hate to curb nature! The good thing about the procss, though (if you recall my last post about getting 'pudgy') - there is nothing like hard labour to tighten up the body, burn calories, and hopefully flush out the cholesterol. I must say that the 'old girl' is a little proud of herself for what she has accomplished over the last few days. I did however, come to the end of my rope physically, and called the boys at work for help! They will come to my rescue and make sure that all is ready for the paving company Note to self......must work at getting into better shape so that this type of project is not such an issue..... AND - by the way - I REMAIN SMOKE FREE!

Getting Pudgy!

During the last 2 months I have given myself some latitude with respect to diet. I worked very hard winter before last winter to shed a few pounds, and was so proud of self for having been successful in losing 20+ pounds. The process began because of a cholesterol issue. Some might remember the "Three Month Challenge" postings. Well.....I did lose the weight, but never went back to the doctor to get my cholesterol rechecked - UNTIL - just before my 'quit smoking date'. (By that time I had been on holiday to Alaska and had really really fallen off the diet) Unfortunately, the news was not good.... I made a 'deal' with the Doc.... When I told him that I was going to quit smoking, and needed just a little time to 'get things under control' - he agreed that he would wait for awhile before putting me on the cholesterol reducing drugs. He did, however, make the comment that he would not give me an 'infinite amout of time'...... (So whoever said that a doctor should have that much power over your life????) Craaapppp - stepped on the scale the other night - not a pleasant surprise!!!! Soooo.....I guess it is time now to 'shift gears' and change direction. Ya know - the thought has just struck me...... There is a quote - don't know who said it - "you spend the first 40 years of your life accumulating 'things' and then you spend the last 40 years trying to get rid of those 'things'. Welllll.....I guess the same could be said that we spend the first (60???) years of our lives developing bad habits, and then you spend the next (_____) years breaking those habits. (fill in the blank depending on how extreme those habits are (tee hee). I guess what I am saying is that now is the time to terminate the 'diet' latitude that I have been giving self and get real! No more chicken/turkey skin - no more pork rind - no more bacon (well maybe a little)- ration the eggs - no more processed meat - cut the sweets and sugar - start counting calories - all in all stop enjoying food! What do they say - 'Eat to live - not live to eat...' Wish me luck!

I forgot!

A couple of days ago, a coworker approached me and asked 'What are you going to buy yourself on the 18th?" For a brief moment, I was confused by her question. Why would I want to buy myself something on the 18th? It then struck me that she was (bless her heart) remembering that the 18th of April will be the 2-month anniversary of my 'quit date'. "You must continue to treat yourself" she continued.... I awkwardly responded that I was actually going to a concert this weekend - although in all honesty this was not intended to be a 'treat to self' - just a lucky draw - so to speak. I have since thought about that brief moment of conversation with my coworker. Perhaps the greatest 'treat to self' was the realization that at that moment in time I was not thinking about SMOKING!. How sweet it is to realize that these moments now exist! While the struggle continues (and I expect it will continue for the rest of my life), I am so pleased that for a few moments in time that I FORGOT that I want to smoke!

A New Friend

Last night I was going to add a post to this blog, but my internet service was down. So I thought I would just watch a little TV and forget about it. Oh Oh - TV signal lost too. Well - time to contact Telus! Really not something that I wanted to do after a long day, but obviously an issue that needed to be dealt with. With much trepidation, I dialed the 'help' line. Will I get someone on the line from a far and distant land who I cannot understand, and who cannot understand me? Will this be just another frustration at the end of my day? Should I even bother with it tonight? Should I just forget about it, pick up a book and be done with it for now? No, I need to deal with this now...... Surprisingly, there was not a long time on hold before I got a very pleasant young fellow on the line. I could understand him when he spoke!!!! There were, of course, many things that he asked me to check. Took a little time. Then it became apparent to him that we needed to 'reboot' the modem and the TV boxes. There was considerable waiting time for everything to come back up after rebooting. You just cannot be on the phone and say nothing, so I thought I would start a conversation. "Where are you?", I asked him. "The Phillipines", he responded! We talked a little about the weather, and those impersonal things. I then made the comment that I was going to make a post on my blog, but could not because my internet was down. "You have a blog!', he said. I responded, "Yes - I have recently quit smoking, and I started the blog as an avenue to vent, and perhaps help others in some small way". Well......this turned the conversation. Turned out that he is a smoker, and sooo wants to quit. He is 40 years old, and the only one left in his family that smokes. (They make him go outside - he said) He does not like to do that when it is raining. I shared with him my experience of going outside when it is very very cold to smoke. We talked about the inconvience of being a smoker, and also the expense. He did some quick money conversion and figured out that his cost for a package of 20 'sticks' is $20 Canadian! He then began quizing me about how I have gone about the process of quitting. I shared with him my 'pre-quit' process, the 'post-quit' process, the 'continuing' process, and the support I have gotten of the QuitNet website, as well as the support and encouragement from friends and co-workers. I was on the phone with him for about 1 1/2 hours while all the electronics were 'doing their thing'. When we were certain that indeed the internet and TV signals were restored I thanked him for his help. Get this - his response - "I am the one who was helped here". I was sooo touched by his comment, that I almost started to weep! Oh, if only it would be that I motivated him to start the process of freeing himself from the 'Nicodemon' then it was truly a good day! Ya know what is said "there is a reason for all things"? Perhaps there was a reason that I 'lost my signal' yesterday. Perhaps there was a reason that of all the people that Telus employs, it was this fellow in the Phillipines I got connected to.

Rebirth

It is spring - the time of the year when the miracle of rebirth occures. The robins return, the crocuses bloom, the tulips pop up, tiny shoots poke their heads up from underground - promising wonderous things to come. Buds begin to form on the trees. There is an excitement in the air. It is a busy time. Birds are frantically searching for mates. Soon the nest building will begin. And soon there will be eggs in those nests, then birth of new life. 2 years ago I gave my neigbour a few sweet pea seeds from my garden. He planted them last year around his deck and got just a few plants from those seeds. He harvested the seeds from those few plants last fall, and now has plans of growing a whole row of Sweet Peas this year. Life - in any form - multiplies many fold! What a gift! It has been said that the only things certain in this life is death and taxes. Could we add to this list glorious, beautiful, forgiving, resurrecting spring??? There is conflict and strife during this season. Competition amongst the species - males trying to prove their superiority, and females making the assessment as to which male has the most favorable gene to pass on to their offsrping. This is the spring of my new life as a non-smoker. During the first few weeks, there was an excitement - a promise of things to come. A freedom from the 'nicodemon' If I might take the liberty to equate this personal experience to what is happening around me in the natural world - well perhaps I am now at the stage of conflict and strife. There is a promise of wonderous things to come - being at ease with being a non-smoker - and looking forward to the multiplication of the benefits of being a non-smoker. There is right now certainly a competition between myself and the 'nicodemon'. Thus far 'self' has prevailed. I look forward to the day that I can truly feel REBORN and emerge from this 'holy hell' free from the daily struggle. Just as a 'side-note' I am finding that when I take a 4mg nicotene lozenge, I get the hiccups! This must be a good sign! My quit buddy Charlie told me that he is now cutting these things in half. I will try that until I run out of them and then perhaps try the lower doseage ones.

Attitude

As the stress level increases, so does the yearn for a 'smoke' break. I have now taken to 'popping a lozenge' once in awhile throughout the course of the working day. I have guilt for actually INCREASING the use of these lozenges instead of doing away with them altogether. (I started this process by allowing myself only one a day). Of course my concern is that my resolve is weakening.... When I 'started the quit' the stress level was at a minimum, it is now beyond maximum. I wonder, however, if perhaps it is not the 'nicodemon' - who constantly rests on my shoulder - that is contributing to the feeling of being out of control - the incredible sensation of 'drowning' - even though I am not submerged in water..... Perhaps the 'life lesson' that I can glean from this process is to develop a better ATTITUDE. What is ATTITUDE? A predisposition or a tendency to respond positively or negatively towards a certain idea, object, person, or situation. Attitude influences an individual's choice of action, and responses to challenges, incentives, and rewards (together called stimuli). Four major components of attitude are (1) Affective: emotions or feelings. (2) Cognitive: belief or opinions held consciously. (3) Conative: inclination for action. (4) Evaluative: positive or negative response to stimuli. The key word in this definition I think is 'predisposition'. Perhaps in an effort to obtain a more positive ATTITUDE, I should be less hasty to form opinions. When one has an 'opinion' then one predisposes oneself to an attitude towards a 'certain idea, object, person or situation'. When one forms an opinion, then one must defend that opinion. In order to defend that opinion, one must develop an attitude. When one developes an attitude, then one becomes closed to other points of view. Ha - the process of creating this post was - in a word - a 'process' (tee hee) A little soul searching, self evaluation, and yes - a little painful. NOTE TO SELF - find a method to develop an attitude that will not only make my life-journey more pleasant, but more importantly find a way to 'let my life be a beacon'.

Dreaming!

If you read yesterday's post, you will know that last evening was difficult. The second lozenge was not the end of it. No - the nicodemon followed me to bed!!!!! Yup - into my dreams. A BEAUTIFUL blue (the most striking blue that you have ever seen) cigarette package - from which I extracted a cigarette. I do not remember lighting it, but I do remember taking a very looooonnnggg drag. Oh - but the emotion that followed! I felt AWFUL!! Guilt beyond measure! This experience has perhaps taught me something..... As the daily stresses increase, the effort of counteracting those stresses at the work-days end must also increase. While taking a second lozenge might not be an earth-shattering transgression, I do realize that I must find other means to relieve that pressure that builds up throughout the course of 'issue' days. Many things come to mind - more exercise; more music practise; more munchies; more home computer time; or perhaps a pet. I think I am aware of the problem, and must now find a solution.

Guilt - sort of!

As I have said before, I have been allowing myself one Nicorette lozenge daily. I sooo look forward to that lozenge when I get home from work. However, the last 2 days have been trying, and I have taken the 2nd lozenge! Yes - I feel guilty! Why? Because I am afraid that I am weakening! It is said that it takes 3 weeks to break a habit. I agree. I feel that I am now relieved of the habit of smoking. I think I might even be somewhat relieved of the addiction to the nicotene. However, the mind-set - the crutch - the friend - the emotional attachment to this demon - this is what I continue to struggle with. It is strange almost. I am finding that it is not those moments throughout the course of a stressful day that the struggle is most difficult! No - instead it is the time when I need to 'come down and let go' that I find more difficult. I truly need to address this issue with self and get a handle on it.

One Month

Would you believe it? One month smoke-free! Quitnet has provided me a One-Month Quit Certificate which says that I have not smoked 724 cigarettes, saved $318.71, and lengthened my life by 5 days, 12 hours. The celebration yesterday was receiving new furniture, arranging and re-arranging. Gotta tell you - the 'old gray mare ain't what she used to be'! I am sore today! I must have been having issues in my sleep last night - I dreamed that I was having a message, but it was really hurting my leg - to the point that I yelled and woke myself up! I have been noticing some good things.... * Not much coughing in the morning * Don't wake up coughing in the night * Feel more rested in the morning * Huff and puff a little less while exercising * Morning coffee really really smells good * Need a little less salt on my food

Getting a little Easier

This is not to say that this fight is over - just to say that today it was not as difficult today as it was yesterday or the day before. I expect challenges - there will be many - just hope that I remain prepared for them. Once again my advice to anyone who is commencing this journey - to begin by not allowing yourself or others to smoke in your house a long time prior to your quit date. It has been very difficult to come home - that place where you should feel safe and comforted - only to be assulted by the smell of the 'demon'! The old couch has now been taken away. The carpet has been shampooed. Tomorrow new furniture arrives. Pockets remain within my home however. It will be awhile before I can totally eradicate the odor. But like the man says 'I will get 'er done! Thanks again to all of you for your support and kind words. You all help me to remain committed!

A wonderful weekend!

Ah what a wonderful weekend it was! A very dear friend arrived on Friday evening - we had such fun! Ya know how it is with the best of friends - you share all your thoughts and feelings - both good and bad - without feeling you will be judged. You laugh, you cry, you laugh about crying - and you even cry about laughing! This dear friend has been smoke free for 9 years! She has emphysema now but continues to attack life with a positive cheerfulness that is such an inspiration to me. The effects of the shingles continue to be an aggravation - I suspect that this will continue for some time. However, my thought process right now is that perhaps this is a good thing. I really do not know if the shingles attack has anything to do with the smoking cessation, but I chose to believe that it does. Actually I chose to believe that all the nasty physical and emotional 'hells' I have experienced these last few weeks are a result of withdrawal from the tobacco. Perhaps this choice of belief will stick with me during those difficult moments when temptation raises its ugly head. Today was one of those days when temptation got a good hold on me. I must learn to get a handle on how to deal with stress and 'issues'. Got through it though I am happy to say. Just kept telling myself that I 'can have that lozenge when I get home!'. Ha - it was a good lozenge - what a relief! Ya - I know it is nothing more than a 'mind set' but for now I am going to 'go with it'. Like my 'quit buddy' says - I feel like I am bragging..... well damn it I am gonna brag too. I have been through some hard times in my life and well - this is right up there with (almost) the worst. Thinking now of all those loved ones who are right now and who have already been a victom of tobbaco!

Quit buddy

I have a great 'quit buddy' on quit net. He has a great sense of humor and gives me belly laughs. It is wonderful to communicate with someone who is going through this withdrawal thing and yet can see the humor in the process. It is getting a little easier for me. The urges continue periodically, but I have been able to ward them off with deep breaths, a drink of water, and sometimes, just a walk down the hallway. I continue to allow myself one nicorette lozenge per day - when I get home from work. Gotta tell ya though - I sure look forward to that lozenge! (tee hee)

Am I helping anyone?

I have been reading over my posts to this blog, and have been thinking that I have likely not been helping anyone who is considering quitting the butt. I have used this avenue as a means to vent, share my experiance, and glean support from friends and family. However, my feeling is that part of the journey should be to help others who are facing the same demon. I am afraid that perhaps my 'venting' might be a discouragement to others who might wish to start this journey of becomming a non-smoker. It is that thought process that almost had me convinced to stop posting to this blog until such time as I could only share the positives. I have reconsidered however. This is my reality. This is my war with the 'nicodemon'. It is ugly, it is painful, it is emotional, and likely hard to hear - but it is the reality of addiction. I don't think I have met a smoker that does not admit that they would prefer not to smoke. Those people will sooner or later face their own demons. Each one will have a different journey that I am having. It will likely not be a pleasant journey - that is the reality. Perhaps the way that I can help the most with sharing this process is to reach those young (and not so young) people who are just beginning to use nicotene. If through sharing my journey I might discourage even one friend, friend of a friend, or a friend of a friend of a friend, to start smoking, or encourage to stop now before it becomes a part of who you are, then this journey through hell would be worth it for me.

HELP!!!!!

This is not easy! To all of those of you that are following my blog in Canada, US, Russia and Germany - today I cannot be positive! Today I just need to vent a little! I thank you all soo much for your support, And to you I send out an appeal for help! Including those of you who I have met on quitnet.com I am starting my 3rd week - and darn proud of it. While I anticipated 'issues' - there have been many - and I have dealt with them. Shingles I did not anticipate!!!! They hurt!!!! I have been so tempted this day to smoke. (you know - the mind set - when thing suck - well if you can just 'suck' on a cigarette - then things will be okay. NOT!!! Went to walk-in clinic today. Yes - certainly shingles!!! Man o man - this is painful!!!! Got AntiViral meds - was offered pain meds, but declined. Right at this moment I am wishing I had not declined the offer of pain meds. What does this have with the 'quit smoke" challenge???? I have no idea....Is it related? DR says no - (I challenge that in my mind) DR says it is my AGE!!!! (I also challenge that) Anyway - it sucks - I appeal to you all for your support - AND if any of you have had a similar expeeriance I would sure like to hear about it.

Positives!

'Heck' week has been harder than 'Hell' week for me. I have used the lozenges more frequently this week- allowing myself one each day. This seems to be working well thus far, and it is comforting to know that I have lots of room to work here. The recommendation was to take many many more than one per day to start. The Zyban I think is a bust, so will slowly wean myself off them (only taking one a day anyway). The physical symptoms continue to plague me. I now have a very painful case of the shingles! It is just too much of a coincidence that these things are happening right now, not to contribute them to the process of 'detoxing'. However.....I WILL REMEMBER THE PAIN! It will be a deterrent to starting the habit again. I have come too far to back-slide now. On a more positive note, I am now beginning to notice that I wake up in the morning feeling more refreshed and clear-headed. I actually feel energetic in the morning! And I don't know if it is my imagination or not, but it seems that when I take a deep breath (and Lord knows I have been taking a lot of them during the craving waves) that the air seems to go down further into my lungs. Could this be possible?

Anything goes!

The Quit Net tip for today is to go to any lengths not to smoke! They suggest to think of the lengths we have gone to obtain a smoke. Ha - if you only knew! It has been a priority in my life for many years to make sure there was enough tobacco on hand. You know - how you always make sure there is enough toilet paper on hand? However, there have been times when I messed up. PANIC! There have been times that I have dug out the longest butts out of the ashtray. There have been times that I have gone out in the middle of the night to buy smokes. And yes - there have been times that I had smokes but no way to light them - other than turning on the electric burner on the stove! It is good to know that I won't have to go to such degrading measures to 'keep the quit'. To those smokers who are now following my blog - I sure would like to hear any funny stories about the lengths you have gone to in order to get a smoke!

On guard!

Now that I have made it through 'Hell Week', I feel that I must remain 'on guard' for those difficult moments. Actually I have had more of those 'moments' during this 'Heck Week', than I did during 'Hell Week'. Perhaps I have become a little over-confident. I must remain 'on guard'! I have been allowing myself a lozenge a day. It is a kind of 'head' thing to get me through the day. "When I get home I get to have a lozenge". I can see that this journey will be a long one. Perhaps it will take the rest of my life to overcome this addiction. I can do this!!! Once again, I have to say that support from family and friends has been crucial for me during the process. Today a co-worker gave me a bouquet of tulips in recognition of my passing through 'Hell Week'. What a wonderful vote of confidence - and oh how I want to suceed so that I do not disappoint those who are cheering for me!

Hell Week

Ha - Quit Net calls the first week "Hell Week". That it was. I now am looking forward to "Heck Week"! It should be a blast! The loss of my voice is perhaps a good thing. (Keeps me from swearing - at least out loud - tee hee) As is am writing this post, I find that I am forcing myself to think of the 'positives'. Why is it easier to dwell on the negatives during this journey? Is it perhaps that I feel that I am losing a 'friend'? - That crutch that has served me for the last 46 years? Well, let me say that the tobacco has not been much of a friend during the past several years. It was hurting me and I knew it. In fact, I did not even like it. I hated the taste (had to suck on candies when I smoked) I did not like the way it made me feel - tired and breathless. And yet I hung on to that 'abusive' relationship. Why?

Thinking of Job and his trials

Can anyone remember all that happened to Job and how it all turned out? I know that he was afflicted with boils all over this body. He lost all his money, and his friends did not support him. Today I began feeling a little 'sorry for self'. Got laryngitis (not a good time for this to happen). Broke out in hives this evening! What is that all about????? However, I have not lost my money, my friends support me - I am truly blessd. Much to be thankful for - I just have a few 'pestilences' to deal with. I think I am being 'tested' - I will get through this and conquer!

If you are going through hell - keep going

Winston Churchill said this at some time - not sure what the circumstances were - likely something WW2 related.

Rodney Atkins sings a song which references this quote.

"If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down - if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there.

When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire - walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there.

Well as day six comes to a close I continue to journey through this hell of addiction recovery. I continue to face the fire, but am determined to keep one step ahead of the devil!

Although there are moments when I can smell my tail feathers burning (tee hee)

The Weepies have begun!

Curses! I was hoping that I would not get the weepies - what with taking Zyban and all. However, the doctor did warn me that this could happen, and if it did I should go see him.

What on earth can he do? Tell me not to cry? (tee hee).

Even with all the physical and emotional distress during this process, I actually have been able to begin to see the 'positives'.

I do not cough as much in the morning, and I think I am getting more 'quality' sleep likely because I am not coughing so much in my sleep.

Quit Net has honored me with a 'milestone' certificate! It tells me that in this short time I have not smoked 109 cigarettes, saved $39.00 (must be old pricing) and have saved 19 hours of my lifetime. How cool is that?

Still Smoke Free

I have almost gotten through the 4th day, and remain smoke-free!

This afternoon was the first time I was really really tempted. Just a little frustration at work - and of course that old mind-set - "I will go and have a smoke and suck it up".....

I can see that I am going to have to learn to deal with these moments - perhaps 'sucking it up' has been the wrong thing to do anyway.

Up until now I have been resisting taking the Nicorette lozenges. My thinking was that by taking a nicotene replacement would only prolong the process. However, when I got home I was in crises, and could not let go of the days events. Therefore I put one of the lozenges in my mouth, and a few minutes later I was feeling much better. I can now get through the rest of this day...

I just have to add to this post that the encouragement that I have been getting means everything! Phone calls, emails, facebook messages, and even a hug or two have given me strength. I am truly loved.

The First Days are the Worst Days

Well, there has been a plethera of physical withdrawal issues for the past 3 days, but none of them debilitating. I think the nausea is the worst - and one I was not expecting.

The cravings seem to come in waves - but the waves to pass over. After a few deep breaths, glass of water, and a mind distraction - they do pass.

On Sunday (the second smoke-free day) I began to smell smoke in the house (yes I was still smoking in the house!) Yuck - not a pleasant odor = perhaps this is what is causing the nausea....

Today (Tuesday) will be another test, because it is my first work day as a non-smoker. I will get through this........

One Day at a Time

Well I survived the first smoke-free day. Did very little - just some laundry and read a really good book.

I found my mind wandering as I was reading, however. My concentration was a little off - perhaps from a little withdrawal - perhaps just because I was tired. I gave into the 'sleepies' and had a few cat naps throughout the day.

I have not yet taken a lozenge, but have them on hand.
The withdrawal symptoms this morning are very strong. I am actually a little 'shaky' and I have a feeling inside - sort of a 'hiccuppy' feeling - like when you have just finished a big cry.

I am also having a little trouble writing this blog. I am easily distracted by dear sweet Budget, and am having difficulty forming thoughts in my mind.

However, I am sure that this too will pass.

46 Years with Sir Walter Raleigh

It is amazing what the human body can tolerate! I am presently looking at the last package of cigarettes that I will buy. Aside from the nicotene, there is Carbon Monoxide, Formaldehyde, Hydrogen cyanide and Benzene in each cigarette that I have been smoking for all these years! With all this poison that has been going into my body for 46 years, it is a miracle that I am alive to tell about it.

If I remember my history correctly, I believe it was Sir Walter Raleigh who introduced tobacco (and I think potatoes also) to Europe. Was it not also Sir Walter Raleigh who laid down his coat for Queen Elizabeth to walk on so that she did not have to walk in mud......

How interesting that the man who is so famous for this wonderful act of chivalry is also the man who is (indirectly) responsible for the deaths of so many people who have become addicted to tobacco.

Quit Date Anticipation Anxiouty

The anxiouty is reaching high levels. I started taking Zyban last weekend, but have been taking only took half the dose that was prescribed (sleeping issues). Tonight I took the second dose, so will see if perhaps the gradual intake of this drug will help. (seems to make food taste like crap - but maybe that is a good thing! - tee hee)

I have on hand nicorette lozenges - and expect to need them.

I have planned for Saturday (Feb 18) as a day of WASHING - to attempt to get rid of the smell of smoke from my life!

Two More Days

It was likely around the time that I was 13 or 14 years old that I smoked my first cigarette. By the time I was 16 I was a pretty regular smoker. That was 46 years ago! In (I think 1993) I quit smoking - for 2 1/2 years! Stress I guess started me up again. This time I am going to attempt to be proactive with the stress and the 'weepies'.

Exercise!