Rebirth

It is spring - the time of the year when the miracle of rebirth occures. The robins return, the crocuses bloom, the tulips pop up, tiny shoots poke their heads up from underground - promising wonderous things to come. Buds begin to form on the trees. There is an excitement in the air. It is a busy time. Birds are frantically searching for mates. Soon the nest building will begin. And soon there will be eggs in those nests, then birth of new life. 2 years ago I gave my neigbour a few sweet pea seeds from my garden. He planted them last year around his deck and got just a few plants from those seeds. He harvested the seeds from those few plants last fall, and now has plans of growing a whole row of Sweet Peas this year. Life - in any form - multiplies many fold! What a gift! It has been said that the only things certain in this life is death and taxes. Could we add to this list glorious, beautiful, forgiving, resurrecting spring??? There is conflict and strife during this season. Competition amongst the species - males trying to prove their superiority, and females making the assessment as to which male has the most favorable gene to pass on to their offsrping. This is the spring of my new life as a non-smoker. During the first few weeks, there was an excitement - a promise of things to come. A freedom from the 'nicodemon' If I might take the liberty to equate this personal experience to what is happening around me in the natural world - well perhaps I am now at the stage of conflict and strife. There is a promise of wonderous things to come - being at ease with being a non-smoker - and looking forward to the multiplication of the benefits of being a non-smoker. There is right now certainly a competition between myself and the 'nicodemon'. Thus far 'self' has prevailed. I look forward to the day that I can truly feel REBORN and emerge from this 'holy hell' free from the daily struggle. Just as a 'side-note' I am finding that when I take a 4mg nicotene lozenge, I get the hiccups! This must be a good sign! My quit buddy Charlie told me that he is now cutting these things in half. I will try that until I run out of them and then perhaps try the lower doseage ones.

Attitude

As the stress level increases, so does the yearn for a 'smoke' break. I have now taken to 'popping a lozenge' once in awhile throughout the course of the working day. I have guilt for actually INCREASING the use of these lozenges instead of doing away with them altogether. (I started this process by allowing myself only one a day). Of course my concern is that my resolve is weakening.... When I 'started the quit' the stress level was at a minimum, it is now beyond maximum. I wonder, however, if perhaps it is not the 'nicodemon' - who constantly rests on my shoulder - that is contributing to the feeling of being out of control - the incredible sensation of 'drowning' - even though I am not submerged in water..... Perhaps the 'life lesson' that I can glean from this process is to develop a better ATTITUDE. What is ATTITUDE? A predisposition or a tendency to respond positively or negatively towards a certain idea, object, person, or situation. Attitude influences an individual's choice of action, and responses to challenges, incentives, and rewards (together called stimuli). Four major components of attitude are (1) Affective: emotions or feelings. (2) Cognitive: belief or opinions held consciously. (3) Conative: inclination for action. (4) Evaluative: positive or negative response to stimuli. The key word in this definition I think is 'predisposition'. Perhaps in an effort to obtain a more positive ATTITUDE, I should be less hasty to form opinions. When one has an 'opinion' then one predisposes oneself to an attitude towards a 'certain idea, object, person or situation'. When one forms an opinion, then one must defend that opinion. In order to defend that opinion, one must develop an attitude. When one developes an attitude, then one becomes closed to other points of view. Ha - the process of creating this post was - in a word - a 'process' (tee hee) A little soul searching, self evaluation, and yes - a little painful. NOTE TO SELF - find a method to develop an attitude that will not only make my life-journey more pleasant, but more importantly find a way to 'let my life be a beacon'.

Dreaming!

If you read yesterday's post, you will know that last evening was difficult. The second lozenge was not the end of it. No - the nicodemon followed me to bed!!!!! Yup - into my dreams. A BEAUTIFUL blue (the most striking blue that you have ever seen) cigarette package - from which I extracted a cigarette. I do not remember lighting it, but I do remember taking a very looooonnnggg drag. Oh - but the emotion that followed! I felt AWFUL!! Guilt beyond measure! This experience has perhaps taught me something..... As the daily stresses increase, the effort of counteracting those stresses at the work-days end must also increase. While taking a second lozenge might not be an earth-shattering transgression, I do realize that I must find other means to relieve that pressure that builds up throughout the course of 'issue' days. Many things come to mind - more exercise; more music practise; more munchies; more home computer time; or perhaps a pet. I think I am aware of the problem, and must now find a solution.

Guilt - sort of!

As I have said before, I have been allowing myself one Nicorette lozenge daily. I sooo look forward to that lozenge when I get home from work. However, the last 2 days have been trying, and I have taken the 2nd lozenge! Yes - I feel guilty! Why? Because I am afraid that I am weakening! It is said that it takes 3 weeks to break a habit. I agree. I feel that I am now relieved of the habit of smoking. I think I might even be somewhat relieved of the addiction to the nicotene. However, the mind-set - the crutch - the friend - the emotional attachment to this demon - this is what I continue to struggle with. It is strange almost. I am finding that it is not those moments throughout the course of a stressful day that the struggle is most difficult! No - instead it is the time when I need to 'come down and let go' that I find more difficult. I truly need to address this issue with self and get a handle on it.

One Month

Would you believe it? One month smoke-free! Quitnet has provided me a One-Month Quit Certificate which says that I have not smoked 724 cigarettes, saved $318.71, and lengthened my life by 5 days, 12 hours. The celebration yesterday was receiving new furniture, arranging and re-arranging. Gotta tell you - the 'old gray mare ain't what she used to be'! I am sore today! I must have been having issues in my sleep last night - I dreamed that I was having a message, but it was really hurting my leg - to the point that I yelled and woke myself up! I have been noticing some good things.... * Not much coughing in the morning * Don't wake up coughing in the night * Feel more rested in the morning * Huff and puff a little less while exercising * Morning coffee really really smells good * Need a little less salt on my food

Getting a little Easier

This is not to say that this fight is over - just to say that today it was not as difficult today as it was yesterday or the day before. I expect challenges - there will be many - just hope that I remain prepared for them. Once again my advice to anyone who is commencing this journey - to begin by not allowing yourself or others to smoke in your house a long time prior to your quit date. It has been very difficult to come home - that place where you should feel safe and comforted - only to be assulted by the smell of the 'demon'! The old couch has now been taken away. The carpet has been shampooed. Tomorrow new furniture arrives. Pockets remain within my home however. It will be awhile before I can totally eradicate the odor. But like the man says 'I will get 'er done! Thanks again to all of you for your support and kind words. You all help me to remain committed!

A wonderful weekend!

Ah what a wonderful weekend it was! A very dear friend arrived on Friday evening - we had such fun! Ya know how it is with the best of friends - you share all your thoughts and feelings - both good and bad - without feeling you will be judged. You laugh, you cry, you laugh about crying - and you even cry about laughing! This dear friend has been smoke free for 9 years! She has emphysema now but continues to attack life with a positive cheerfulness that is such an inspiration to me. The effects of the shingles continue to be an aggravation - I suspect that this will continue for some time. However, my thought process right now is that perhaps this is a good thing. I really do not know if the shingles attack has anything to do with the smoking cessation, but I chose to believe that it does. Actually I chose to believe that all the nasty physical and emotional 'hells' I have experienced these last few weeks are a result of withdrawal from the tobacco. Perhaps this choice of belief will stick with me during those difficult moments when temptation raises its ugly head. Today was one of those days when temptation got a good hold on me. I must learn to get a handle on how to deal with stress and 'issues'. Got through it though I am happy to say. Just kept telling myself that I 'can have that lozenge when I get home!'. Ha - it was a good lozenge - what a relief! Ya - I know it is nothing more than a 'mind set' but for now I am going to 'go with it'. Like my 'quit buddy' says - I feel like I am bragging..... well damn it I am gonna brag too. I have been through some hard times in my life and well - this is right up there with (almost) the worst. Thinking now of all those loved ones who are right now and who have already been a victom of tobbaco!